The Perfect Mug

Size: Large enough to hold enough coffee to get through the morning — ensuring I can interact with coworkers and answer emails from 9:00-11:00 without being a total dick.

Handle: Has enough room for my fingers, so that when I walk from the kitchenette to my desk, my knuckles do not accidentally graze the hot hot body of the mug and get burned. In the absence of a handle, a heatproof band is an acceptable substitute.

Colour: One that either hides or compliments any shade of lipstick that might find its way on the rim of the mug.

Shape: Cylindrical, all the way around. Novelty mugs are okay in certain situations (e.g. thematic tea parties) but are not for every day. The mug may exude personality by way of hilarious saying, house insignia, fanart, etc. printed on the side of the mug only.

This is the criteria for my perfect mug. I have yet to find it, but am content in using my KeepCup Brew — for now. What is your perfect mug?

Coffee Sadnesses

The first time I started drinking coffee as a regular, everyday morning thing was while completing my first internship, and the situation has only escalated from there. Whether it be a strong, black morning jolt, or a sugary, milky, venti mid-afternoon treat, coffee has long been a comfort close to an actual friend. Especially when accompanied with a paperback and a lazy Sunday afternoon at my favourite Starbucks. Stop judging me.

But, as with any relationship, there has been highs and lows. In our storied history, I have since discovered the number of ways in which coffee can disappoint me. It’s been frustrating at times, sure, but as with any relationship worth a damn, the highs are totally worth the lows.

i.

Coffee machine takes too long to ready itself for use in the morning. How long does a self-cleaning usually take anyway? You grip the kitchen bench to stop from collapsing into sleep.

ii.

Coffee machine at work has run out of beans, but the bag of extra beans is on a shelf that you are too short to reach — probably due to stunted growth from drinking too much coffee as a pre-teen. There are no step ladders or taller people around to come to your aid. You drink terrible instant coffee instead.

iii.

Coffee machine at work says it needs more water, so you fill its water tank with filtered water (as the machine specified). Coffee machine still insists there is no water in its tank and refuses to work. You stare angrily at the machine, and drink terrible instant coffee instead. It tastes like plastic. Why do you continue to drink it down to the last drop? Think about how you may have a problem.

iv.

You decide to be indulgent, and order a flat white from your favourite café. This makes you a little late, so it’s only as you’re in the lift that you take your first sip of coffee and notice you forgot to order soy. Your bowels do not thank you later.

v.

You come into the office, and are hit with drowsiness so powerful and ongoing that you drink cup after cup of coffee throughout the day. It does no good, and you trudge through your workday lethargically. At 5pm, caffeine finally kicks in, and you stay up all night.